The Immanion Enquirer Archives

The Immanion Enquirer: Archive
A Collaborative Project


First posted 2001.


In The News
by Ramestton Ara

Someone Tell Pell!!!

As Immanion slowly quiets down from the disastrous noise of the mysterious earthquake, the aftershocks of its significance are still trying to sink in to bewildered hara all over the city. The latest reports I have received from my sources is that the Tigron is blissfully asleep as his almost half of his magnificent city crumbles to the ground in utter ruins.

Nothing has been heard of him and some insist that he has gone on exile from the city, most likely to Megalithica, leaving the Tigrina in control.

This of course, is the latest news in a string of fast and ever-changing rumors that have been cropping up by the half hour. His press aides have just released a press statement insisting that he is not asleep but is meeting with the Hegemony behind closed doors. Curiously, Lord Cedony and Lord Glave have been sighted around their palatial residences in the posh, exclusive Thandrello area, supervising the clear up of debris and so has Lord Ashmael. Lord Dree is reportedly out of the city on official business to the north with one of the Tribe Ambassadors; and Lord Chrysm and Lord Arahal are with battalions of Gelaming soldiers patrolling the city to maintain peace and order. Sources have also sighted Lords Eyra and Tharmifex in the center of Pell’s Colossi assessing the damage to public infrastructure and are in the process of compiling together a relief package for affected families. So if all the Hegemony are busy attending to other much more pressing matters, who exactly, by the precious Agahma, is mighty Pell meeting with? That is the multi-billion spinner question we are all eager to find out.

This new development highly contradicts the first reports that were flying about that the earthquake was caused by the intense sensation of the aruna being performed by the Tigron and Tigrina as they tried for another child. This was dispersed within hours and replaced by a more disturbing rumor that the legendary Calanthe, who had been sighted arriving the city yesterday is more likely the cause of this disaster. My informants close to the seat of power have said that this Calanthe, known to many internationally as just Cal, possesses awesome power that rivals even the Tigron’s and had come here to oust the Tigrina and take his place. Labourers at the port had earlier reported seeing him with eyes of pulsing fire, storming his way first to Lord Ashmael’s residence and later this morning, to the Palace in the company of two strange looking hara of which one is reported to be the son of the Castlehane of Jael.

Some had also tried to start the scandal of him having murdered Lord Ashmael early this morning but the General’s assistant personally informed me that he was very much well and unharmed. All this had been swept aside with fresh news that it was the full force of Thiede, the Tigron and this mysterious Cal having an argument that had caused this earthquake. Events are still very hazy as most people at Phaonica have either eloped or gone into hiding.

Meanwhile, Prince Abrimel has been seen at the up-market, trendy Golden Unicorn Inn, drinking at the secluded bar with Lord Sorche (Lord Dree’s son), and stating that everything was under control but that his parents might abdicate the throne in favour of Cal, yet another stranger to us.

The very few who populated the bar frowned at his insensitivity to the disaster at hand but none had the temperament to voice the wrong of his actions.

After all, what were they too doing there in the wake of such a confusing development? Plus, he is of course the Prince. Waiters later inform me that the two disappeared into one of the luxurious apartments upstairs. This seems to confirm earlier snippets of grapevine news that the two are romantically linked.


A round up of news and reactions from the 12 tribes of Jaddayoth by Steffi the Goat

Following the loss of the Aghama, the territories of MAUDRAH have announced a period of mourning to last until the Autumn Equinox. In contrast at the palace of Sykernesse, a non-stop party has been in full swing since the Aghama took aruna with the new Tigron Calanthe. This event is being dubbed “The second Big Bang.” Even the scandal of the Archon of Oomadrah being unmasked as a former Uigenna warrior has done nothing to dampen the party spirit.

It is with great pride that the people of HADASSAH announce that a new harling sired by the great Tigron Pellaz himself is to be hosted by Jasorak of Hadassah. It is believed that the new life was created with great solemnity during a ritual ceremony held at a recent Diplomatic Ball in the hallowed halls of Phaonica.

Unrest continues in the provinces of NATAWNI. The Natawni Warriors Popular Front continue their campaign to get rid of tribal laws requiring the adoption of particular sexual roles at certain times of year. Their catchphrase “We want to shag who we want, when we want and how we want” is heard frequently reverberating around the Orligia, the residence of the Popular Front’s leader Kruin. This is believed to be the same Kruin who accompanied the new Tigron Calanthe during his first pilgrimage into Jaddayoth.

The Stars Know All Column written by The Mystic Seer

I TOLD YOU SO! For those of you with extremely short memories, last week I advised you that the stars were warning of a terrible event here in Immanion. I also told you that there would be a significant change in the power structure and Thiede was directly involved.

But did you listen? Noooo. You LAUGHED! Well maybe now you will start listening to me.

For this coming week, the stars are indicating more changes. No longer will our fair city be the paradise we have come to know and love. Pockets of darkness will exist within her fair walls.

Now for more personal predictions.

To our dear Tigron: I see personal injury resulting from a clash with the Tigrina. Walk softly.

To our new Tigron: You are well advised to distance yourself from the palace for the next two days, lest you share in the injuries.

To our Great General Ashmael: The vision is cloudy but somehow I am envisioning a pearl. Could this possibly be?

To Thiede: Never mind.

Upcoming Events

General Alberadan, has booked out the entire Temple for the Christening of his hostling, who is due in May. The General and his consort, who has not been named, have arranged to use the Palace Coach, pulled by its six white horses for the event.

It is understood, however, that the Heinama, is pulling out his hair with panic, as another event of this size, has been arranged for two days later.

He recently advised me that there will be a double christening, on this occasion, followed by a party at the local drinking house. Large quantities of dandelion and rhubarb wine have been ordered in specially.

It is hoped the repairs to the Temple will be completed in time for these untimely events.

Ramestton’s Memo Column: The First HarSay Sleazes here!

Despite the whispers, Chane Xanthus of the prestigious but lewd Xanthus clan is not responsible for starting the silly brawl that erupted two nights ago at theNew Halladon nightclub in Geneverra. He is however responsible for causing the rift that has come between Ianthon Lamontte and his present beau Nyane, the popular performance singer. I understand that naughty Zizen Forrellan, (consort to one of the Manenerra sons) was most likely responsible for starting up the fight over an argument with Lord Sorche about him invading his telepathic space. Zizen was of course on the receiving end of the flogging staff. More on this in coming editions………..

Speaking of the Xanthus family, they never learn do they? They always seem to be a far cry from their not too distant cousins, the equally wealthy but far more respectable Xanthus-Rannes.

Caether, Chane’s older brother tried to buy a ticket on the black market to see Hionne’s play impression of the Feirke legend The Blade, the Reed and the Shadow which showed at the Immanion Arts Theatre last weekend.

On being told at the gates that his ticket was a dud, he flew into a rage instead of being apologetic. Lord Arahal was there to chuck him out of the premises. Why couldn’t he have just bought a ticket at the normal price instead of being a miser?

Well, it’s understandable, being that his family are renown for being cheapskates despite their wealth.

This comes only days after his Uncle Jennay was spotted shopping at closing down sales on posh Northern Heights Boulevard fashion row of shops, picking up hand-me-downs and third-hand attires.

Many more snippets on this……with exclusive photos…..coming up in the next edition.

  • In next issue: Young harling son of arrogant Burrian Vassed, Ambassador to Northern Megalithica, caught smoking …….at age five……..while at school, plus the true insight to all the dullard offsprings of the rich and silly flunking woefully at their exams.
  • Tit bits on newest births around Immanion
  • What exactly goes on in the Gelaming soldiers barracks
  • Fashion hits and misses
  • Bankruptcy rumors surrounding the Adderis shipping clan


In The News

Our Beloved Tigron and Tigrina Dead???

This is unbelievable! The light of our lives may be gone!

Dear hara, this might well turn out to be a day of mourning and tragedy! Horrible new developments from Phaonica have emerged that our royal couple may have been murdered by this mysterious Calanthe who is reputed to be a world-renown assassin. Events are still sketchy and not much is clear as to the cause of death. Palace sources say it might have been huge debris hurtling down within their private chambers that might have killed them. Some servants say that only one of them is dead and the other is in critical condition.

Nobody will say which is alive but the top healers in the country, Tiahaara Ressan and Taittesh are reportedly at the Palace. Other servants insist that both are dead and that Cal disposed of them AND our divine Agahma using Grissecon stimulated from aruna with his consort whom we now know to called Panthera. And yet another source say that Cal might have perished with them. Much confusion surrounds this shocking tale and as yet, there is no hard evidence that our illustrious rulers are dead.

Prince Abrimel himself was seen rushing from the Golden Unicorn this afternoon in the wake of this sorrowful news and is in deep discussion with heads of patriarch families and government officials. (I understand that his secret lover left the luxury inn twenty minutes later) It is not known what his exact reaction to this news is but we pray with him in these trying times for strength. In the meantime, the remaining Temples untouched by this unnatural disaster are being frequented by numerous hara brave enough to leave the sanctuary of what is left of their homes.


A round up of news and reactions from the 12 tribes of Jaddayoth by Steffi the Goat In FERIKE, chaos ensued at the most recent art exhibition in the capital Jael. A harish streaker disrupted events during a showing of portraits of the new Tigron Calanthe. The artist, Panthera of Jael, was not present during the exhibition. His hostling, Lahela, a Kalamah by birth and well known for staged rituals of Jael irritation, is believed to have had a hand in the outrage. When questioned he replied, “Oh Cal would have loved that!”

Onto ELHMEN where, at the Shappa Haras Institute, the jam making competition was won for the third year running by Awarn and his legendary Dandelion jelly. With the traditional cold touch of the Elhmen, the pastry competition was hard fought but, finally, Nanine was named the winner. They’re keeping it in the family this year!

In a complete break with tradition, in honour of the Aghama’s passage from flesh, the people of SAHALE have decided to dye their hair different shades of blue. When asked to comment on the ascension of the new Tigron Calanthe to the throne, the fire hound entity consulted remarked, “It’s about bloody time Cal worked it out!”

When asked their reaction to the promotion of the Aghama to true god-head, the EMUNAH replied “Yes, yes….but we’re still trying to work out how to make a fast buck out of that one…”

As usual, things remain quiet in KALAMAH. As long as someone provides food on a regular basis, the litter trays are emptied often enough and there is a regular supply of catnip – they’re happy!

During a brief pause in the Shuppuarak “Beat your opponent into a bloody pulp competition” a MOJAG spokesman was asked for the reaction of his people to the ascension of the Aghama. His response was, “Aghama…..what Aghama?”

Meanwhile in ROSELANE, after years of campaigning, the District Council have finally given planning permission to the road improvement scheme. The hazardous, uncomfortable journey to Shilalama should be vastly improved and it is hoped that this will encourage tourism to the area. Also, for some inexplicable reason, rhubarb plantations are springing up all over Roselane. The Kamagrian are denying all knowledge.

In The Stars

Learn To Be a Seer!

Have you ever wanted to read the messages in the stars?

I can teach you.

For a slight fee, you will learn the secrets of the universe.

Predict the future! Raise your caste level!

For further information contact: The Mystic Seer at this paper.

For Sale

Yard Sale! Several pieces of furniture. Slightly damaged. One crystal ball, cracked. Two incense containers. Would make good mixing bowls. Several pouches of incense, slightly damp. Would make great potpourri. Other items too numerous to mention. #2 Mystic Lane.

One slightly earthquake damaged statue of the Aghama. Only one arm missing. Price on application to the Palace. Ask for P.

Books: Complete set of “The Vampire Chronicles” by Anne Rice, For the price of this ad. Undamaged. Well the books aren’t. Phone 85555667 and ask for Celestial

Political Function – two weeks time, at the Hegalion.

An urgent meeting has been called by the Kamagrian elders, with the whole council of the Hegemony. This meeting may have long lasting ramifications for the whole peaceful co-existence between the two races. It seems that the daughter of the Kamagrian Priestess, has been compromised by a visiting dignitary from the Parsiel, and is with child.

The Hegemony is angry with the Kamagrian delegation for making such a fuss about this trivial event, as they have been in the middle of urgent discussions regarding the rebuilding of parts of the palace which were severely damaged during the earthquake.

Caether was spotted today after the aftershocks of the earthquake, on the balcony of the Xanthus residence looking dazed and in embarrassingly tattered clothes…….urmm, his bits were showing and he was scratching abouts that area.

All that money and can’t maintain simple personal hygiene.

A shame he survived the earthquake.

Sometimes, I wonder if all the money they profess to have actually exists.

I say they should be savagely bound up and dunked in the cities sewers system where they justly belong. In next issue:

  • What the beautiful Velaxis has been up to
  • The behind the scenes happenings at all the very private but influential social functions
  • The latest in sex scandals and much more sleaze!

Evening Edition: THE NEW ORDER?

Abrimel is Tigron?

Reports have just emerged from the administrative offices of Phaonica that Prince Abrimel, sole offspring of the Tigron and Tigrina, has now ascended the throne in the midst of the chaos surrounding the succession.

Presently, the Hegemony are evenly divided as to vetoing the Wolf as our next sovereign, with the seventh member, Lord Ashmael Alderbaran, opting to abstain from the final vote hence maintaining a stalemate of three votes each on both sides of the podium.

Those against the Prince insist that he is too inexperienced to take on the responsibilities of power, especially when he has yet to serve with the Hegemony. They are calling on Lord Alderbaran, Supreme General of the Gelaming forces, to take up the mantle. Those in favour of the Prince insist that he is the legitimate bloodline and heir of Tigron Pellaz-har-Aralis and as such is the only Tiahaara in our world with proper claim to the throne.

Meanwhile, Prince Abrimel himself has refused to comment on this new fiasco and aides at his establishment are keeping very tight-lipped on the issue.

Of the elusive Calanthe, no news as yet concerning his whereabouts although the reports still remain that he might have perished with the royal couple.

This new development comes as rumors of the Tigron’s and Tigrina’s deaths are still struggling to be believed by hara the world over. More reports as they become available.

Overseas News
By Ramestton Ava

Tidal Wave Hits Megalithica!

Word is just coming in to this bureau in the aftermath of the earthquake. Today, a powerful tidal wave hit the east coast of Megalithica catching residents off guard. Details are sketchy, but since it was the off season, most of the victims are believed to have been human. Reported by TMS


A round up of news and reactions from the 12 tribes of Jaddayoth

by Steffi the Goat The people of GARRIDAN still appear to be keeping rather a low profile following the incident between the Garridan warrior, Opalexion and a stick of Rhubarb. However, the powers that be have made it known that they would be most interested to contact a certain human pedlar of wines. Given the Garridan association with toxins, derived from their questionable beginnings, there is a certain intrigue associated with the effect that a certain brew named “Elderberry wine” has on harish physiology. Any information regarding the whereabouts of this female will be handsomely rewarded.

In the recent GIMRAH horse trials, 15 horses were found guilty. The Gimrah Wine Marketing Board are pleased to announce that, following some rather unorthodox negotiations at a recent Phaonican Diplomatic Ball, their representative has secured a contact to supply the Palace with Rose Petal and Birch Sap wine. The wine is said to be a particular favourite of the new Tigron.

For Sale

Twenty bottles of rhubarb wine. Labels missing. Covered in goat’s hair. 10 spinners per bottle. Call 555.29-70. Ask for Steffi.

One pair of trousers. Slightly damaged zipper. Call in person at Palace (rear entrance). Ask for Ramestton.

Upcoming Events

All the social news worth knowing

The Phaonica Ball, held recently at the Tigron’s Palace, was to raise money for the Home for Wayward Hars. However, since the recent terrible earthquake, which rocked the city the money will now be used to help with the rebuilding of the school and the hospital.

This event was widely publicised, and Hars from all walks of life purchased tickets, which were sold for 400 spinners each.

Several thousand spinners were raised, mainly from the sale of illicit dandelion and rhubarb wine. These takings were confiscated from a small, feisty Human, and her goat Steffi, who somehow managed to infiltrate the ball. She had a small fortune on her person when she attempted to leave the premises.

The costumes worn at the ball, were extremely elaborate, ranging from red silken shirts and tight black trousers to a silky, jewelled encrusted dress that barely covered the bosom of a dark haired Kamagrian. Rumour has it, that a handsome Ferike had great trouble keeping his attire zipped up modestly.

There was also a strange rumour about the swapping of some costumes by others, who shall remain nameless, due to the fact that one of them involved is a most important and influential identity in the Kingdom.

Some of the music for the evening was performed by the band, The Closets of Emily Child – the band the Trigrina himself, use to play for. In fact, during the night Caeru even entertained the whole crowd with a very sensual rendition, of “Everything I do, I do it for you.”

Due to rather interesting activities that took place during the course of the evening, again, not mentioning the names of any of the participants, there is word that a very large christening of new Harlings will take place in approximately 2 months time.

All together, this Ball was extremely successful and productive. But I have it on authority, that it will be a very long time before the Triad will allow another such event.

The photo above, is of a rather unfortunate incident that took place early in the evening, when the human’s goat, careened across the floor, knocking the Kamagrian and the Ferike, sprawling. Note the state of the Ferike’s attire.

HarSay: All The Gossip and Rumours

Cal the Kan!

Newly crowned Tigron, Calanthe was a kanene!!! Deeply damaging rumours have emerged that our new sovereign and consort to our original Tigron had sold himself as a kanene for some years at a musenda somewhere to the west of Jaddayoth (the exact name of the musenda is unknown but I intend to reveal its precise location in due course) I understand that he did it not just because he fell on hard times but also to satisfy his insatiable thirst for aruna! This new development comes as we are all still trying to accept the would-be assassin as joint Tigron, a concept in itself we are still struggling to understand!

Insider sources in far away Jaddayoth have said he sold himself for a pittance until his legendary aruna-making boosted his popularity to become the most sought after kanene in all the west, thereby urging him to charge exorbitant prices for his services. His preference for pelcia generally contributed to this. Day to day activities in the musenda included intensive training during the day to learn stimulated pelki and chaitra, practicing how to swindle customers in their sleep and conjuring Grissecon magic during aruna. It is said that Mojag mercenaries guard the premises of this secret ‘brothel’; and are given some certain kanene to sleep with in addition to the high salaries they get to maintain security.

My sheep-encloaked informants tell me that a certain har of repute named Elvis has the goods on how exactly Cal fitted into this style of life like a glove. My contacts have found this har and are at this moment keeping him in a safe hiding place for fear of gleaming soldiers wanting to talk to him. And we all know what that means!

A deeply fraudulent har named Jafit, involved in all sorts of misfits like smuggling, slavery and even an association with the abominable but now virtually extinct Varrs, established the place years ago but he had recently disappeared without a trace and it is believed that Calanthe did away with him over an argument pertaining to how much commission Jafit would receive on each customer Cal serviced. Another source tells me that Cal did away with him rather because he was the one who had a complete file on all his darkest secrets while in the musenda and since he planned to come here to Immanion to take the throne, it would be paramount that he kept him silent. For good. This I intend to examine in closer detail.

Our highly talented Calanthe’s customers included all the major rulers of the twelve tribes of Jaddayoth, (and I mean all) and many of the wealthy nobles. New rumours that have only just reached my hands in the wee hours of this morning indicate that Calanthe was even very recently the personal plaything of the Archon of Maudrah himself! More on this is coming editions.

Reports from Phaonica are denying the allegations and insist that Calanthe is scheduled to give a press conference before the coronation concerning these reports. ‘This is a fallacy and a plot designed to disgrace the integrity and prestige of the most sacred throne in the world’, declared one certain high-ranking assistant to a Hegemony member. This, in plain harrish means, ‘Yes he did it but we will deny it ever happened’. Typical PR talk. So what next? Pell for pelki?

More reports on this deeply shocking news soon. Very soon.

Little Vassad Verbal!!!

Arrogant Burrian Vassad, Ambassador to Northern Megalithica likes to act as if he is the Tigrons only representative in the entire United Council of Tribes. Pompus, snobbish and grossly insensitive, his wealth and position make him believe he has only the Tigron to answer to. No problem. But if he cannot keep his own house in order, do we really want him as one of the embodiment of our international governing prowess to the rest of the world? Puzzled yet readers?

His son, five year old Alzanne Vassad, a student of the prestigious Hioi Immanion Lyceum school just on the outskirts of the city was caught smoking ‘Verbal’, the extremely harsh and highly intoxicating cigarette. Stealing out of the hostel in the middle of the night, he and some friends climbed the trees in the courtyard and proceeded to indulge in getting initiated into the joys of smoking. Of course it didn’t take long for one of the Ballions (tutors/instructors) to get alerted telepathically and rounded them up. There were eight of them involved and the only other culprit of note was Berchon Xanthus, youngest harling in the Xanthus family. Are we surprised?

The school authorities have released a short statement confirming this naughty behaviour and insist that all eight harlings have been adequately dealt with.

Now why do I think Burrian was worse than this at school? Like har like harling isn’t it?

What exactly goes on in the Gelaming soldiers barracks?

Our military force is the most admirable in the world; perfected discipline, incredible fighting skills and awesome intelligence network. With their gleaming gold locks and very impressive armor, they are a magnificent sight to behold. But what happens when they remove their ‘militant’ façade behind those walls in their jealousy guarded barracks? Exercise, train, meditate and train some more? They even have a reputation for not sleeping and you all thought this was because they are too vigilant to give themselves that luxury. Hmmm, so did I.

It turns out that they DON’T actually sleep, but for an entirely different reason. They are extreme party freaks!

Snippets of information has reached me (with never before seen photographs included) which tell it all about how they dress up as Kamagrians, no disrespect to them however (Really?), and have a ball in their lounges/mess rooms, shouting, hooting, having a mock modeling catwalk and sometimes, a food fight. Absolutely rowdy behavior is reportedly enacted, with many of them jumping on tables and performing karaoke competitions while getting disgustingly drunk.

And here’s the major scoop. It is said that Arahal, the famous Commanding officer of the Primal Legion, supplies the alcohol! And not just any alcohol, it’s the blood inflammable Balm!!! Balm, as we all know is very much an illegal drink in many precincts of the city but Arahal manages to smuggle in vast amounts in hundreds of barrels, direct from Olathe, commandeering Gelaming military ships to bring them in for that matter! Plus he’s making quite a massive profit on the business as well, for I hear he sells them at thrice the normal going rate on the black market. With the almost absurd salaries our soldiers make, they hardly feel the pinch. I wonder what the Kamagrians have to say about this, especially as relations between both of us are still pretty delicate.

As usual, the Internal Affairs offices of the Gelaming Forces have stolidly refused to comment. So has the offices and press secretary of the Primal Legion Commander. Ah well!

Ava Consolidations Newsletter

The furniture and home accessories subsidiary of Ava Consolidates is offering two thirds off all their products to all customers to assist those affected in the earthquake to re-furnish their homes. This offer lasts for seven days only. Exquisite art collections not included in this sale.

The House of Ava Fashions, another subsidiary of Ava Consolidates is announcing the release of its Fall Collection. The show to exhibit our new line for the season will be held in six weeks instead of next week due to the unfortunate disaster that befell parts of our great city. Venue will be at the Oldarvanne Forum in Deerchotte. Also being released is our new pet-clothing line and the royal pets, Sniffer, Miquore (the newly acquired cream-furred panther belonging to the Tigrina) and Peridot IV (one of the Tigrons personal steeds) are amoungst the beautiful animals who will be modeling the line. Confirmation on this has just arrived from the Palace. We formally thank them.

And calling on all readers……..

Do you remember an old mate, friend or lover that has shot to fame? I’ll be doing a piece on a certain someone whom we all now know, who has just arrived the city and is seemingly the cause of our present disaster.

Please send your scoops and sleazes to;

The Immanion Publishing Towers Plaza, DawnForrest Mts, Immanion.



Here is his report…

Shortly after the new Tigron’s coronation, I arrived Immanion on my luxury ship loaded with gifts for the Triad, Cal especially. I send a telepathic message to the Reception Office of Phaonica to be received. They send back a reply that Cal, surprisingly, will see me immediately.

Cal had had a trying day at the Hegemony as he first tried advocating for more spending on foreign policies: more embassies and diplomats in more cities so as to be in greater touch with the masses the world over. Most of them voted against this saying that it was a waste of funds (they have more than enough BTW) and would seem as if they were trying to flaunt their power. Not to mention, with their Faraldienne horses, they could get to anywhere in a flash.

Next, Calanthe had tried to introduce a better taxing system in Almagabra that will allow Gelaming residents to receive a larger tax return in the form of shares in government businesses. This time, they all went against him, even Ashmael who normally sided with Cal.

In annoyance had stormed out, leaving them to their own devices, right in the middle of an argument for expanding the Psychic-Telecommunications Center.

So Cal is already nicely worked up and pissed at everyone in the city and is fortifying himself with a few shots of drink when my message arrives. He grants me audience as a welcome distraction and an opportunity to let his curiosity get sated on news of Thea and his family.

He receives me in his private foyer and against normal protocol, we embrace. We sprawl casually in one of the lounge rooms and talk.

{The recording device is embedded in the large amethyst pendant on my chain}.

The conversation is reported here verbatim:

“Cal, you ol’ rogue! Tigron now! Belated congratulations!”

“Ramestton you lowlife! Come crawling back, eh? Let me guess, is it the crown or is it the crown?”

I laugh with him heartily. “It’s the extra dosh actually, close guess. The whole of Ferike is drowned in noises of carving, sculpturing and welding making icons of you. I got some more gifts for your Highness, some a bit distasteful but I know being you, you’ll hardly even notice. *Snigger* The reception committee at the front offices took most of them off me. They are one over-efficient bunch aren’t they! Anyway, I got some more stuff that I’d like to show you but they’re all for sale…and I only take cash.”

“You always take cash” snarled Cal playfully. “And any more gifts and I’ll have to commission a new palace to house all of them. Might as well, the stench of spotless, Gelaming is beginning to overpower me.” *Sighs*

“Oh dear, trouble in paradise already?”

“Paradise? Are you blind? Don’t be fooled. And stop standing over me like that, your head shouldn’t be higher than mine! Grab a seat and let me rant extensively. And pour yourself a sizable drink.”

*Turns to ever present attendants and waves them away*

“And you lot can clear off!”

“So?” *I try to prompt him*

“So what?” Cal throws back.

“So where are the rosebuds in your hair from running the fields with your beloved?”

“Hate rosebuds.” *grumble* “Contrasts funny with my hair. I’m just fed up of this whole farce!”

“The honeymoon is over already then?”


“Then what’s the matter?”

“These goddam holier-than-thou bloody Gelaming, that’s what!” *mumbles into his drink* “Never set their dainty feet in the dirt for more than five seconds, but still reckon they know what’s best for the whole goddam world!”

“Sounds like you’ve been butting heads with the Hegemony, old mate. Are they giving you a hard time?”

Cal sniffs and pours himself another drink.

“They seem to be under the impression that things are going to stay the same, even now. Can’t get it through their thick skulls that things have changed!”

“Oh? In what way?” *I affect an innocent expression.*

“No more black and white, that’s how.” Cal scowls. “They call themselves diplomats, but don’t understand the first thing about how to grease the wheels of diplomacy. Lived in their ivory towers with their blindfolds on for too long.”

“Anyone in particular giving you trouble, old friend? Maybe I could sort ’em out for you.” *Evil grin*

“Well,” Cal says, running his finger around the rim of his glass. ” Where do I start? Let’s see. There’s Kellor, the pious twerp who wants to convert the entire world to worship of the Aghama and therefore can’t see his way clear to any kind of tolerance. Especially of the Kamagrian! Arahal’s okay, except he keeps trying to please everybody and ends up pleasing no one….”

His voice trailed off. I tried to chivvy him along. “What about Ashmael? Surely the famous general can see your side of it?”

“Most of the time.” Cal admitted. “But he’s a bit of a tiger when it comes to tax reform. Sees massive amounts of money being moved away from his precious army, I suppose.”

“Ahhh.” Said I, trying to sound sympathetic. “And what about the rest of the Hegemony….like Glave?

“Too grave” smirked Cal




“…Hedonist” grinned Cal. “And I can personally confirm that!”

“…And Chrysm?”

“…A chasm. He disagrees on everything. Loves to ape my style of dressing too, the bloody copy-cat”

“…Erya?” “…Awry. He always sits funny in his chair as if his bum aches.”


“…Thaumaturgist. Always thinks he can perform miracles on government polices. As if!”

I laugh. “That brings us back to Ashmael. Got any rhymes to describe him?”

“Nope. Only that he combusts to ashes in my hands.”

“So the rumors are true then!”

“What rumors” asks Cal innocently.

“Everybody knows! I had thought it was an established fact!”

“That you are both having aruna together?”

Cal looks at me ominously “Are we on the same time here?”

“So will that be the main reason why he supports you in the Hegemony…except when it comes to decreasing his spends on his forces, this is.”

Cal looks suitably serious. “Ashmael is smart and knows what is right. If we had an equvalent position of a Prime Minister or Grand Vizier, it will undoubtedly be him. He just might try to get in on the throne someday though, so I have to keep him happy. Besides, I have to make sure he doesn’t start diverting his attention to Abrimel…just in case! But his head is fixed on properly concerning the advancement of our species. Has my common touch too. Common touch as in common touch…?”

“Cal you rogue.” I sigh, shaking my head. “Are you defending him because you are sleeping together?”

“Of course! He’s my little baby”

“I’m not sure that the Gelaming soldiers will take it kindly to you calling their illustrious general…’little baby'”

Cal waves his hand dismissively. “Whatever. They can think what they like. They’re a boring bunch anyway, spend all their time preening and trying to look like Arahal. Should have more fun. Lotta cute lookers among them, though. Hey! Your glass is empty! Don’t you know the rule?….one for me, one for you, one for me, one for you. Understood?”

“Shut uuuup!” I grin, but pour myself another drink anyway and look around, commenting on the furniture.

“Opulent beyond compare. Very nice. Got your very own room now?” *I snigger*

“Are you kidding? More like my own palace within a palace. Too big, too many servants, too many clothes and privacy is non-existent. I have Vaysh who keeps popping in every two seconds to borrow everything from a spare blanket to my cosmetic brushes. Oh, I know what he’s after, I know. *He grins slyly* Speaking of peeping toms there’s Cleis and Attica, Pell’s personal attendants, who keep watching from hidden crevices. I love an audience, Pell doesn’t. ”

“How are things with Pell?”

“Oh, fine.” Cal waves his hand about. ” He can be bit of a prat at times, thinks a bit too much of himself and puts on airs, but a good spanking soon sorts that out.”

“You spank him?” I act suitably surprised.

“Well, of course. Got to keep him in line……and keep the spice in the relationship dontcha know.”

“So, you’ve got this thing going with Ashmael and with Pell. What about the Tigrina? Are you porking him as well?”

Cal laughs and I laughed along with him, in an encouraging sort of a fashion. “Naturellement.” He grins. “I’m used to plenty of variety, surely you remember that.”

“Ahhhh.” I say wisely touching the side of my nose. ”

The kanene rumors……”

“Shhhhhhhh. Don’t go bandying that word about! Especially not in here……..

The conversation was interrupted at this point by the unannounced arrival of the Tigrina who, I can only says, flounced into the room, screeching something abusive about traitorous bastards who rise above their station on their backs.

But fortunately for the readers of this paper, I managed to obtain another interview for the near future, for which I shall, of course, come equipped with further supplies of good vino and a fresh tape.

Ramestton Ava

A look at cuisine from the 12 tribes of Jaddayoth by Steffi the Goa

Pick your venue with care is the best advice for people dining out in MAUDRAH. Inns on the streets of Maudrah serve very poor fare. Slabs of cold, greasy meat on hunks of rough bread accompanied by bitter, sugar-laced tea or pale, insipid ale if you’re lucky. Not the place to impress a future amour. The palace of Sykernesse, however, is a different story. All tastes are catered for and all senses indulged. An excellent choice for a seduction supper with that special someone. I strongly recommend the spiced shell fish.

Culinary habits have gone awry in HADASSAH. The people have gone harling mad following the announcement that Jasorak of Hadassah is hosting the Tigron Pellaz’s child. The developing pregnancy is being followed avidly by the masses. Any craving the prospective hostling develops is adopted as National Dish of the Day. Last week it was nothing but orange sorbet, this week it’s tuna and banana pizza.

The NATAWNI are also known as the people of the bones. Hence bones feature commonly in their cuisine. Spare ribs are frequently served as a starter, street vendors sell chicken drumsticks for passers by to gnaw on and the more up market restaurant will serve you crown of lamb. The Jaddayoth-wide ban on beef on the bone has hit Natawni cuisine hard. This is not a good tribe to visit for the vegetarian.

Not unsurprisingly given the GARRIDAN obsession with all things toxic and poisonous, the menus found in Garridan restaurants reflect this interest. Box jelly fish calamaris is a current favourite in Nightshade, with puffer fish regularly served in the capital Charlock. Why not top your meal off with a dessert of nettle souffle washed down with a glass of finest hemlock?

The many and varied styles of GIMRAH wine are more commonly known than their culinary delights. Estembles will usually serve the traveller with hearty soups and stews. Roast goat is occasionally served at social gatherings but it’s a nasty, tough, tasteless meat and not at all recommended by the author.

An absolute must when visiting FERIKE is to get yourself an invitation to a Royal House breakfast. With slivers of fine ham, wafers of crisp toast and lashings of coffee, its ideal chow to set you up for a days sight seeing in the mountains. As well as sumptuous early morning cuisine, a Royal House breakfast presents many opportunities for entertainment. Family squabbles often erupt around the table with seething hostility barely contained.

ELHMEN really is the place to go for ice cream. It will take you a week to work through all the different flavours available. However, if you find you have over-indulged, as it is so easy to do in Elhmen, a few glasses of the local mineral water will soon settle even the most delicate stomachs. The flame jets which regularly erupt in the dominion of the Lyris in SAHALE, ensure a plentiful supply of chargrilled and barbequed food. This technique can be over used as was evidenced by the dish of chargrilled blancmange I was served on one occasion. The flame jets are also put to good use in making the best coffee in Jaddayoth. This dark, thickly sweet brew is a must for any visitor to the area.

There appears to be no national dish for the tribe of EMUNAH but these guys seem to have cornered the pizza delivery business for the whole of Jaddayoth. As can be imagined, they’re doing a roaring trade in Hadassah right now. To celebrate the ascension of the Aghama, a burger palace has just opened in Meris called McThiede’s. The Emunah assure me that they intend to have an outlet in each major city of the 12 tribes by next Ascension day. – I don’t see it myself.

It is difficult to pin point KALAMAH cuisine as the cat people are such fussy eaters. Serve them the same type of food at consecutive meals and they will stalk away from the table with a glare as much to say, “You really don’t expect me to eat THAT do you?”

A diet of curry, pickled eggs and baked beans awaits you in the culture conscious territories of MOJAG. The above ensemble is usually washed down with copious quantities of a fizzy ale called larger. All of which seems to fuel the flatulence competitions which frequently take place in the many seedy hostelries of Mojag.

In the past, on a visit to ROSELANE, the traveller could expect to be greeted with the traditional honey cakes and sweet wine. Things have moved on with most cafes now serving generous slices of rhubarb and golden custard tart. This is usually accompanied with a flute of rhubarb champagne. The new plantations are obviously being put to good use. The Kamagrian are now claiming that the incident with Opalexian, the stick of rhubarb and the Garridan warrior was all a publicity stunt to advertise their new fare – Nice try girls!

NB – Having returned from researching this article, Steffi has put on a considerable amount of weight and was last seen trotting off to the gym in a leotard.

The End

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