Untouched By Scars
Author email: email@example.com
Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me. They all belong to Storm Constantine, blessed is she among hara!
Warnings: AU, angst, dark, smut, some language, some sap.
Pairings: Calanthe/Caeru, hinted Pell/Cal/Galdra.
Summary: Calanthe realizes that some wounds haven’t healed and that he might be the one to heal them this time.
Beta: not betaed given I didn’t want to bother my Wraeththu beta. All mistakes are mine.
Spoilers: All six books.
A/N: I’ve recently gotten back a bit into the world of Wraeththu as I try to find my own balance in life. This is a private dedication to a very special friend who has been putting up with my shit for the past week and a half and has really gotten nothing but grief and a headache from my sorry ass. She knows who she is and I hope she knows that I appreciate her more than I can ever truly say and that I hope to live up to her expectations some day. This is also a try at getting back into writing and since Caeru is one of those hara special to my heart, he stepped forward. Cross posted. Enjoy and please review.
Untouched By Scars
The sound of the fire crackling in the large stone fireplace greeted Calanthe as he stepped sleepily into the large living area that was central to the guest house that they were staying in within the land of Freygard. He stretched his arms over his head and groaned a bit before sighing as his arms dropped and swung at his sides lazily. He was tired and sore, but in very good ways. Several hours of rooning with Pell and Galdra were definitely an excellent way to get sore. A frown crossed his face briefly though as he went further into the room to go to the small wine shelf in the corner. ‘It would have been better if Caeru had been there,’ he thought sadly as he made his way around the couch that was barely illuminated in the shadows.
He stopped though when he saw a shadowed figure sitting in the plush armchair that was near the fireplace. Shifting closer, his frown deepened as he saw the pale hair that was just touching the equally ashen shoulder that was peeking out of the robe that was slipping off. “Caeru?” he called softly as he got nearer and his eyebrows drew together in worry when the head merely tipped towards him. He noted the open bottle of sheh, but it didn’t look to be too far down and the goblet next to it was half full.
“I’m amazed you’re up. You were certainly loud enough,” Caeru commented quietly, startling Cal from his perusal and making the Tigron glance over at him guiltily before coming all the way around to the front of the chair.
“I was…just coming for a drink,” Cal replied softly as he came into view and gazed down at Caeru. “What are you doing up? I thought…” he trailed off though and shifted uncomfortably on his feet, uncertain all of a sudden. Caeru wasn’t looking at him and his face was strangely blank…closed off. “Caeru, is everything all right?” he asked in concern as he pulled over the other chair and sat down so he could watch Caeru’s face.
“Everything’s fine, Cal. Go back to your two chesna and leave me alone,” Caeru responded flatly before reaching over with a thin hand and grabbing the goblet without even looking. He sipped his drink and held onto his goblet as he continued to stare into the fire.
Something was wrong. Cal couldn’t put his finger on it, but he knew it had something to do with that night. He knew that Pell had wanted him and Galdra to bond, but what was bothering him now was that *Caeru* hadn’t been brought into that fold. ‘Why hadn’t he been asked?’ Cal wondered as he sat back and stared into the fire as well, silently making it clear that he was staying. Caeru didn’t fight him, so he just assumed it was all right and continued to ponder this alarming revelation. He knew things were fractured at best between his two chesna and had only grown more so since Darquiel, Geburael, and Loki’s returns, but he had thought that things had been patched up. Now he knew that he had been seriously mistaken.
Of course, he wasn’t surprised. He knew how much Pell blamed himself for Caeru’s injuries in the past and often would be stubborn and snarly whenever it might be brought up. Caeru, for his part, seemed to have gotten over it, but maybe it wasn’t as clean cut as that. Cal had heard that the scars had forever made it impossible for Caeru to host again, but he doubted that. Not with all they’d learned, but the Tigrina had never expressed an interest in being healed. ‘Or maybe he had never been asked,’ he suddenly pondered and felt sick at the thought. He knew he had been distracted for certain with recent events, but to think that, after learning all he had, that Pell had ‘neglected’ to inform Caeru that they could help him…it just wasn’t right.
“Cal…could I ask you something?”
Caeru’s soft inquiry broke through Cal’s parading thoughts and he looked over. “Of course. What is it?”
A shadow passed over Caeru’s face as he stared at the fire for a few minutes before finally giving voice to his question. “Where were you? On the night I lost Darquiel…where were you?” he whispered thickly, but there weren’t any tears in his eyes, which were locked fixedly on the crackling blaze.
Cal felt his heart jerk at the question. That night had been a nightmare that had changed their lives so much and had almost cost them Caeru’s. He remembered feeling helpless and enraged when he had felt Caeru’s attack and had been unable to go. He had wanted nothing more than to sweep Caeru to safety, but he had been unable to. Guilt that had been hidden under his obligations rose up and mocked him as he gazed at the stony profile of their Tigrina. ‘He never deserved any of that. It’s all our fault that you suffered, Caeru…’ he thought in despair as he finally took in the too thin face, the dark circles under Caeru’s eyes, and the almost rigid stance. There was no trust…no caring. Only a wariness that was a mask, trying to protect the Tigrina from the hurts that the ones he wanted kept reaping on him.
Reaching out, Calanthe placed a hand on Caeru’s bone thin wrist and watched until the pale blue eyes were focused on him. “Thiede…he tricked me and pulled me outside of this world so he could train me. I can’t tell you where I was because I’m not quite sure I know myself, but I…” His voice faltered at the disbelief that was shimmering accusingly under the blank stare. His lips thinned in determination before he leaned in. “I wanted to save you, Caeru. I fought him and tried to get to you, but he wouldn’t let me. I cried…I screamed and tried to get to you, but I couldn’t and I can’t…I *won’t* forgive myself for not having stopped what was done to you,” he declared fiercely as he gripped the wrist under his hand.
Staring at him silently, Caeru seemed to run through his words in his mind before a mocking smirk appeared on the pale face, out of place for the entire deadness that seemed to reign on it. “I’m sure you did, Cal. I’m sure you did,” he replied with false warmth before turning his face away to stare into the flames once more.
Feeling stunned at the utter dismissal, Cal watched Caeru as he tried to comprehend why Caeru didn’t believe him. It dawned on him then: they had always been pitted against one another in a way for Pell’s affections. ‘He thinks I wanted him dead and that I really don’t care,’ he realized and felt cold. He couldn’t blame Caeru for that. Not once since his return all those years ago had he touched the Tigrina in any capacity as chesnari that wasn’t just necessity. Aruna between them and between Pell and Caeru had just been duty. Work or lack of caring had taken away any kinds of intimacy they might seek, but it had hit Caeru the hardest. ‘I don’t even know what his body looks like,’ Cal thought in anguish.
Sliding to his knees, Cal moved until he was pressed against Caeru’s thigh and placed his hand on Caeru’s chest. He looked into Caeru’s gaze as it snapped to him in shock and leaned in. “Let me see you,” he requested gently before sliding his hand down to where the robe ended in a ‘V’ just above the knot of the sash. He stopped as Caeru’s hand gripped his wrist and curled his fingers around it before bringing the shaking hand to his lips. He pressed a tender kiss to the ashen palm and then placed it against his chest as he leaned in. “Let me see you, Rue,” he whispered again as he unknotted the sash and carefully pushed the soft silken fabric aside to reveal the har’s body to his eyes. His breath caught as he saw the scarring that all but sliced the once perfectly flawless stomach and he flashed back to when that stomach had been round with their pearl. Unexpectedly, tears came to his eyes as he touched the scar. “Oh Rue…”
“Don’t tell me you never saw this,” Caeru spat out suddenly, but his voice shook with emotion as Cal’s trembling fingers caressed the ruined skin. Cal looked up at him and he could see the tears that were threatening now within the Tigrina’s angered gaze, but there was also fear, disgust, and pain deep within those no longer dead eyes.
“No, Rue…I never did. And I’m so sorry,” Cal whispered back as he brought his other hand up to cup Caeru’s cheek. His thumb brushed away the surprised tear before he leaned in and pressed a kiss to the scar. “I’m going to fix this. It’s the least I can do,” he suddenly stated before wrapping his arm around Caeru’s waist and hugging him close as he rested his cheek on the twitching scar.
“Don’t…Cal don’t…please. I don’t want a pity fuck,” Caeru said harshly just over a sob as Cal felt shaking fingers lace within his hair.
“Pity? Never pity with you, Rue. You’re too good for pity,” Cal retorted and looked up as Caeru huffed. He smirked and winked. “You’re the Tigrina…you don’t pity fuck the Tigrina,” he added and felt his heart soar as a small smile flashed across Caeru’s face. He sat back and pulled Caeru from the chair onto his lap, smiling as a huffed laugh left Caeru in surprise as the other blond straddled his lap. He pushed the robe off completely before running his hand through Caeru’s hair to cup the back of Caeru’s head. He gently pulled Caeru in and opened his mouth as they kissed slowly while breath of affection and fear mingled between them. He opened up to Caeru and could feel the Tigrina responding to him as he caressed his hands over the pale skin. He found himself responding as well as Caeru began to tentatively touch him, caressing areas that were always arousing for him and soon he was ouana and leaking. His fingers brushed through the silky fluids that were flowing from Caeru and he growled as Caeru moaned in want. He knew what he wanted and he would have it.
Lovingly, he laid Caeru down on the floor, thankful for the fire warming the stones as he covered Caeru’s body with his own. He plunged himself deep into Caeru’s soume and he groaned with the Tigrina as they were joined and began moving. He leaned in and whispered softly to Caeru, explaining to the har how he could heal himself and he felt Caeru tremble around him in disbelief. But when they started to peak, Cal followed Caeru into his cauldron and began the healing process while holding Caeru close to him bodily. He felt the beautiful spirit that was their Tigrina respond to his heat and urged it to heal the shredded body and his heart soared as he sensed Caeru’s own joy when it worked.
They couldn’t stay that way forever and with a shout, they peaked and fell into bliss mutually before collapsing together. But Cal knew that they had started the healing process. He was aware of Caeru’s body knitting and rearranging itself so that soon it would be able to function. Pellaz might have healed Caeru when the attack had happened, but Cal would heal the scars. With a smile, he curled around the glowing Caeru and placed a hand over the scarred stomach. Soon, it would be untouched by scars…as it always should have been.