Sleepless Nights

Title: Sleepless Nights
by Haylz

Story Notes

Characters: Ulaume & Flick

Rating: R

Spoilers: This takes place during The Wraiths of Will and Pleasure so if you haven’t read that – DO IT! then it would be kinda spoilery.

Summary: Ulaume is struggling with Flick’s secret and how it is affecting them.

Disclaimer: The lovely Wraeththu world and it’s inhabitants all belong to Storm Constantine, I own nothing.

Author’s note: This is for enelya_telrunya because I promised her Flick/Ulaume fic (and I promised fluff so that will have to come later), and for emseviltwin because she needs some cheering up. It’s not really a cheery fic mind you, just some waffle using poor Ulaume as the source. He doesn’t get nearly enough fic and so what do I do? Torture him. 😛

And yes I usually do NC17, but for some reason I couldn’t with this, I just didn’t think it suited the mood.

Sleepless Nights

Ulaume couldn’t sleep. Sheets twisted beneath his body as he rolled over, creating an uncomfortable bunching that just irritated him even more. With a big sigh, he glanced over at his chesnari.

Flick appeared to be sleeping, and Ulaume couldn’t help but feel a little bitter at the fact, seeing as how Flick was the reason he couldn’t doze off.

For too long now the dark haired har who had charmed Ulaume’s heart had closed himself off from everyhar, and it hurt Ulaume more than he cared to admit. He did have his pride afterall, and he felt foolish that a har like Flick could come and strip that away from him so easily.

Everything had seemed fine for awhile, Flick had told Ulaume that he loved him, and Ulaume had no reason not to believe it. Now however, he spent most of his days (and nights) racking his brain to think of anything he might have done to cause Flick to retreat in such a way. The thing was, he didn’t think he had done anything to upset his chesnari, and that troubled him even more. The fact that he could see no way to help Flick through whatever it was that tormented him was killing Ulaume, and Flick hadn’t helped by shying away from any attempts his chesnari had made to draw him out.

Remembering the comfort he used to feel when Flick would hold him close in bed as they both drifted off to sleep, Ulaume looked sadly at the space between them now; less than an arm’s reach away, Flick may as well have been on the other side of the world.

Ulaume used to find peace in watching his chesnari sleep, now he realized it only brought him pain.

He sat up wearily; his body ached from the lack of proper rest, and his heart ached from the loss of something else.

Perhaps it was being so close to Flick and yet not having him that kept Ulaume awake all night. With that thought, he slid silently out of the bed and crept to the door, looking back once at the slumbering har.
Even in sleep Flick looked troubled, and it was all Ulaume could do not to touch him, not to run his hands through that dark hair, not to caress that face until it lost the pinched, pained expression that stole the peacefulness that should have been there.

That’s what he would have done once, but not now – because it was becoming painfully clear to Ulaume that Flick no longer wanted him.

He closed the bedroom door behind him softly, and tip toed down the empty hallway as not to wake any of the others up. Once he was downstairs, Ulaume could move around a bit more freely, not having to worry about making too much noise.

His throat felt tight, and he told himself it was from the air becoming drier as the warmer season approached. It had nothing to do with the fact that he’d been forcing a lump back down his throat from the moment he left his bed.

Ulaume poured himself a glass of water and leaned against the kitchen bench which faced their cozy little dining area. Looking around him, he realized that everything reminded him of Flick – just being in the kitchen caused images of his smiling chesnari cooking up a storm to flood into his mind. Looking at the dining table, Ulaume recalled the countless times he and Flick had shared secret smiles over meals and played footsie while Lileem and Mima chattered away as they ate, completely oblivious.

Even though he knew this pointless reminiscing wasn’t going to help anything, Ulaume couldn’t tear himself away from the comfort of these memories; one time he would have thought those kind of moments trivial, but now every little good thing that had ever happened between himself and Flick seemed precious.

The sound of footsteps making their way down the stairs distracted Ulaume from his thoughts, and he glanced towards the landing, preparing apologies for waking either Mima or Lileem. To his surprise it was neither of his Kamagrian friends descending, but Flick.

Flick didn’t appear to look surprised at seeing Ulaume however; the dark haired har rubbed his eyes sleepily and grimaced. “Couldn’t sleep,” he said as he joined Ulaume in the kitchen.

Whether it was from habit, or pure attraction, Ulaume didn’t know – but he couldn’t help trailing his eyes up and down Flick’s body; like Ulaume, Flick wore only loose fitting pyjama pants, leaving his top half bare and open for Ulaume’s inspection.

It had been too long since they’d taken aruna, and Ulaume was surprised by the sudden jolt of jealousy that stabbed through him when he wondered if Flick had been taking aruna with some other har. Why hadn’t Flick just left him? Did he think he had to stay with Ulaume and the others out of loyalty? Was he resenting them more and more as they days went by for keeping him from whatever (or whoever) it was that he’d rather be doing? It was a notion that Ulaume couldn’t stand; as much as he loved Flick and couldn’t bear the thought of being without him, he didn’t want his chesnari to be miserable. He’d have to say something, this couldn’t go on.

But the words never came. Ulaume’s heart skipped a beat when he felt Flick standing next to him at the counter, close enough that he felt the heat coming from the other har’s skin.

Flick had also poured himself a glass of water, which he quickly downed in one gulp before placing the glass down on the bench in front of him.

Ulaume tried to steady his breathing as Flick’s proximity caused his senses to overload. Why would Flick do this? He could feel where their shoulders were touching, his skin felt as if it were burning at the point of contact. It briefly crossed Ulaume’s mind how ridiculous this all was; Flick was supposed to be his. He should feel comfortable enough to initiate aruna between them whenever he wanted, not stand there feeling guilty because he was aroused by Flick’s touch, feeling as if he didn’t have permission. His body was only responding naturally to his chesnari as it always had.

Ulaume knew that his desire for the other har was so strong, there was no way Flick couldn’t have picked up on it. Now Flick would go back upstairs, leaving him alone in what would be the ultimate rejection, the final nail in the coffin. He was startled when Flick’s hand reached for his and slipped the glass Ulaume had been holding from his reach. Ulaume turned to face the other har with a questioning look, but couldn’t voice his confusion when he saw that Flick’s gaze was filled with just as much desire as he felt inside.

Suddenly, he felt the cool tiled wall at his back and at the same time felt Flick’s hot mouth on his own; Flick had pushed him back and was now pressing his entire body flush against Ulaume’s as he plundered the startled har’s mouth with his tongue.

Confusion mingled with excitement as Ulaume responded eagerly to his chesnari. He felt goosebumps race across his skin as warm hands gently tickled his hips and waist, and he opened himself completely to the other har in the hopes that Flick would share himself also. If he wouldn’t open up to Ulaume with words, perhaps he would show him instead?

But the sharing of breath only confused Ulaume more, Flick was trying to hold something back, only small bits and pieces were escaping and rushing into Ulaume’s conscience like rogue bullets of nonsensical information. He felt guilt, confusion and a little fear; he could feel that Flick was afraid of losing him.

Forgetting his own fear and any anger he had felt earlier, Ulaume bombarded Flick with his own emotions, raw and definitely not guarded in anyway. He wanted Flick to know just how much he loved him, and he felt the other har’s surprise. Flick had not been aware of just how deeply Ulaume cared for him, which wasn’t that unusual as Ulaume had only recently discovered this himself. He heard Flick’s whimper at the realisation, and finally felt what he had been waiting for for many weeks – or had he been waiting forever? Flick’s admission of love was like a blanket of warmth wrapping itself around Ulaume’s cold body, heating him up from head to toe. Then just as quickly the blanket was being ripped by more emotions: regret, sadness, anger (though not directed at Ulaume) and guilt again. Ulaume couldn’t figure out whether it was Flick’s guilt or his own, perhaps Flick was feeling guilty because he was keeping something from Ulaume – and was Ulaume guilty because even though he knew this, he was letting Flick in anyway?

He decided it didn’t matter at that point; all that mattered was Flick in his arms, assuring him that he did love Ulaume. The other stuff could wait, for now at least.

Flick pulled him away from the wall, but kept his lips firmly pressed against Ulaume’s as he propelled them both out of the kitchen and towards the living room. Before he even realised what was happening, Ulaume’s pants were pooled at his ankles, and he had been deposited quite roughly onto the sofa in a sitting position.

Flick stood before him, slipping his own pants down to the floor. “Be ouana for me Lor,” he pleaded, slightly breathless as he straddled Ulaume. “I need you.”

Ulaume knew that they were being extremely noisy in their union, but he also knew he didn’t care. Flick cried out as Ulaume attacked his neck and chest with his mouth. Though he knew it was irrational, the thought would not leave his mind that if he marked Flick’s flesh as belonging to him, whoever it was that Flick might be meeting in secret would now realise that this har was taken, this har was Ulaume’s.

Through their connection, he tried again to make Flick open up to him, but whatever it was that his chesnari was hiding was being kept locked away in the fortress of Flick’s mind. It stung Ulaume that he could not share this with him, but the constant waves of love that Flick kept purposefully pushing towards him gradually took over any pain, washing over Ulaume again and again until they both stiffened as the ecstasy of their shared orgasm crashed through them, finally leaving them boneless and exhausted. Flick collapsed against Ulaume, who wrapped his arms around his chesnari and buried his face in Flick’s dark hair.

Finally, Flick pulled away from him and gingerly disentagled himself from Ulaume and the sofa. As he watched Flick stand up again, Ulaume’s heart started thudding once more – would this be when they had their much needed talk? What was there to say? Yes Flick loved him, but there was still this… secret between them, something so big Flick couldn’t share it, and he carried it around like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.

Slipping back into his pyjama pants, Flick simply said: “I think we should go back to bed now.”

Ulaume couldn’t look at him as he quietly agreed and cursed himself for being so weak. To his surprise, as he pulled his own pants back on and glanced towards the bottom of the stairs, Flick was still standing there and he had his hand stretched out for Ulaume.

Ulaume took the offered hand and squeezed it, he was scared that he might never be able to let go. Flick led him up the stairs and along the hallway to their bedroom. The whole time Ulaume was wondering when all this was going to end, when Flick would let him go and he would feel that lonely coldness again.

The moment came sooner than expected when Flick dropped Ulaume’s hand as they made their way to their respective sides of the bed. A million thoughts were going through Ulaume’s head as he crawled back in and curled himself up tightly. Was it always going to be this way? Because he didn’t know if he could handle it if that was the case. Why couldn’t they go back to normal now? If the emotions that Flick had showered him with downstairs were anything to go by, Ulaume wasn’t the only one in this thing. Surely Flick couldn’t expect him to accept this uncomfortable situation as their ever after?

Obviously Flick could sense that Ulaume’s mind was racing, that he’d never get any sleep in his condition. Ulaume shuddered when warm arms wrapped around his waist and pulled him towards his chesnari’s chest. This was all he had wanted from the beginning, for Flick to hold him and comfort him like he had always done.

Ulaume felt like sobbing at first, because everything was so right but so wrong all at the same time. Instead, he let himself relax into Flick, gratefully inhaling the natural scent of his chesnari, enjoying the warmth between them where their bodies met.

He knew this was only a reprieve; he’d wake up in the morning to find Flick gone again, out doing who knows what with who knows who. But for now this was what he needed, what he craved. He almost didn’t want to go to sleep, didn’t want to miss a single minute of being close to Flick in this way again. But it was only minutes before Ulaume drifted off into a deep, dreamless slumber, hands clutching the har he loved desperately as if doing so would keep him there forever.

The End

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1 Comment

  1. EmilyS said,

    May 14, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    Wow, this was sad ;_; But beautifully so.


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