Sweet Desperation

Sweet Desperation
by Em

Story Notes
Pairing: Cal / Pellaz

Summary: The Tigron craves the one har he cannot have.

Spoilers Anything up to Wraiths

Rating: NC17

Disclaimer: Characters and the world they inhabit belong to Storm Constantine.

Sweet Desperation

The Tigron of Immanion had at his disposal anything a har could possibly ask for. He was surrounded by luxury and comfort and no request was too much to ask. Pellaz har Aralis was never short of company – should he desire it a banquet could be called at a few hours notice and one of the many function rooms of Phaonica would be filled with hara to socalise with. Or, should he prefer, he had many close friends to spend intimate time with. He could travel halfway across the world in mere minutes with the help of his sedu if he missed hara in Megalithica and the apartment next door housed his closest confidant in Immanion, Vaysh – who would put down whatever he was doing at Pellaz’s request.

Despite all this, Pellaz was not satisfied. He was not an overly demanding har. Aristocratic, yes – but Pellaz did not exploit his position. It was unfortunate perhaps that the one thing he desired most in the world was the one thing that even the Tigron could not have. The one thing the Tigron was specifically not allowed to have.


Though Cal was never far from Pellaz’s thoughts, there were nights like tonight when the Tigron’s memories made things almost unbearable. When he could almost swear Cal was in the room with him, so strong was his presence. He haunted Pellaz like an unrelenting ghost and lingered like a cherished memory.

Many years ago the Hienama Orien had warned Pellaz to hide his tears from others and Pell had heeded that lesson well. He told nohar, not even Vaysh or Seel, how deep his grief ran. He buried it deep inside and locked it away in his heart, focusing his attention on the here and now so he would not be swamped by his past. Nohar knew of how Calanthe constantly flittered through Pellaz’s dreams or how difficult it was to get up on the mornings that waking up alone filled Pellaz with deep pain. Nohar knew that on the nights that Pellaz’s shunned company and went to his apartments alone it was because he could not stand to look at the face of anyhar who was not Cal.

The only creature who that seemed to recognize and acknowledge that he was in pain was his sedu Peridot. Pellaz would slip out to the palace stables more often than he would like to admit to press his face against Peridot’s warm neck and let his tears be swallowed by the sedu’s mane. Peridot would nuzzle into him and make horse like sounds of comfort. Pellaz knew that despite his horse-like appearance, Peridot somehow understood his pain and mourned with him.

Peridot would take him to the far edges of the city where he could be completely alone with his thoughts. Occasionally Pellaz would talk to him, taking advantage of the rare ability to let his true emotions out. He had nohar close to him with which he could talk of these things. Even Vaysh, the one har who would be most able to understand, thought Pellaz should forget about Cal.

Sometimes Pellaz agreed with him. Often he felt physically torn; his desire for Cal battled against his grief for Orien. Sometimes he wanted to do what Seel had done and turn his passion for Cal into hate – he would be justified after what Cal had done. But Pellaz knew that Cal was ill, that he was desperate and that what he had done had been at least partly Pell’s fault. How could he condemn Cal for what he had done? And Pellaz could no sooner turn from Cal than cut out his soul. It was already torn in half; he could not hurt the part of it he had left.

He could not forget Cal, as much as Thiede and the others would like him to. Cal was not a ghost from his past, he was very real and Pellaz could not give up the hope that they might someday see each other again. No matter how unlikely and dim that hope might be. Rumors reached his delicate ears that Thiede had Cal in his custody. Such an idea meant he could never extinguish his hope entirely. What if Thiede was trying to rehabilitate Cal? Was it possible they could be together?

Pellaz had given himself to Wraeththu and had dedicated his life to the prosperity of his race. But faced with any pressure to forget his Cal, Pellaz only clung tighter. Cal was the one thing he kept for himself – the only thing in the world he desired for his own.

Tonight Vaysh had been into Pellaz’s apartment and left some things of comfort. Pellaz knew it had been his aide, because despite everything, Vaysh seemed to sense when Pellaz was in a melancholy mood – though he never mentioned it – and would take the time to make Pellaz’s apartment more peaceful and welcoming. Perhaps it was his way of offering the comfort he would never give physically.

Pellaz appreciated Vaysh’s efforts, though tonight they did more to upset him than comfort him. Vaysh had left glowing candles on low tables around Pellaz’s bedchamber and a large glass full of red wine sat beside an armchair. Lying on the bed was a flower with large petals. Pellaz did not know where it came from, and Vaysh could never have known, but it instantly propelled Pellaz back to first night of pleasure he had spent with Cal in Saltrock. The smell of Seel’s flowers had been thick in the air then, and the bloom in Pellaz’s hand held the same scent.

Pellaz held it to his nose and breathed deeply, feeling blissfully yet alarmingly swamped by his memories. A deep and unabating longing for Cal swept over his being as if a floodgate had been opened. It felt as if it had always been there – which of course it had. Pellaz was able to bury it, but he could never be rid of it completely. He didn’t think he would ever want to be.

Pellaz let out a soft moan as the familiar feeling throbbed around him. His belly filled with heat and his cheeks flushed. He tipped his head back and closed his eyes for a moment, allowing himself the luxury of imagining… then with small sobbing sound Pellaz angrily threw the flower onto the bed. He stood up and shed his robe which now felt stiflingly hot. Determined to banish thoughts of Cal he strode across the room and swallowed the glass of wine in several large gulps. Then he immediately refilled it and started sipping slower.

The wine hit his empty stomach and rose straight to his head and Pellaz was thankful for it. He carried both the glass and decanter of wine back to his bed. Catching sight of the abandoned flower, Pellaz sighed and resigned himself to the fact that banishing Cal was going to be near impossible. He placed the bottle of wine within easy reach and took another large swallow from his glass before putting that aside also.

He could no longer deny the heat that was flooding through him and curling in his stomach. His blood was tingling in his veins and it felt as if every cell in his body was screaming out for Cal. This was beyond the simple need for aruna and Pellaz knew that finding just anyhar to satisfy his lust would not be enough.

He lifted the heavy curtain of his hair up and off his back, allowing the cool air to dust his damp neck. When he inhaled he could smell Cal’s warm hay filled scent. Pellaz released his hair and felt it spill across his face and shoulders almost as if it was not his own, but Cal’s much shorter, lighter locks. He ran his palms down his chest and across his stomach and it felt as if Cal’s hands were touching him. When he slid them back up they brushed over his nipples and Pell was unable to hold back a startled gasp as pleasure shot through him.

Pellaz decided it was Cal’s hands, not his own that deftly untied and release his remaining clothes and he could feel Cal’s fingers across his skin as cloth was pushed away, baring his body to the dim light. Any ides of pushing the memory of Cal from his mind was out of the question now, and the heat gathering in his core felt so delicious that Pellaz no longer wanted to forget his former lover. He wanted to remember every thing about Cal and every inch of his tanned flesh. Pellaz let out a soft sound as he collapsed back on the bed, naked and flushed. The sheets felt exquisitely rough against his sensitive skin and he squirmed, head back.

When he shut his eyes he could see Cal’s face above him, and Cal’s heat was in his hands as Pellaz ran them over his skin. He could hear Cal’s voice, soft and teasing, in his ears, “Pellaz…” and it made him moan aloud. “Do you like that?”

Pellaz could tell his body was reacting strongly to Cal’s invisible presence – his soume-lam was blooming, filling with throbbing heat. Pellaz arched his back with a groan of frustration and felt moisture between his thighs. “Moan for me, Pellaz…”

Pellaz was helpless. He pushed one hand into his mouth and bit down hard in frustration as tears leaked from the corner of his eyes. It seemed such a pointless and unnecessary hurt – that he should ache so deeply this way. It was greatly ironic because he could have anyhar he wanted, except the only one who would satiate his desire. His other hand slid between his legs and Pellaz released a muffled moan at the slipperiness he found there.

“Pellaz…. Do that again…”

Pell had not been soume since taking aruna with Thiede after his rebirth. He had never had the desire to submit to anyhar but when thoughts of Cal invaded his mind, his soume-lam reacted almost painfully. Pellaz could think of nothing but being filled by Cal and Pellaz knew that no other har would do. He did not want any other har to do either – the thought of somehar else taking him that way repulsed him almost as much as the thought of Cal aroused him.

With a panting gasps, Pellaz experimentally shifted his fingers until he located his first sikra. He circled it tentatively and cried out, feeling his stomach tense. He could hear Cal’s voice approvingly in his head and his own essence slid across his fingers.

His soume-lam bloomed beneath his touch, throbbing around his fingers but it knew the touch was not Cal and it only cause a frustrated grief to rise in Pellaz’s throat. Pulling his hand away Pellaz clenched the sheets beneath him tightly. Cal’s presence was overwhelming his senses, filling his nose and ears with memories and tears trickled freely down his temples.

Pellaz lay in agony for a long time, shifting uncomfortably as his body cried out for a single har’s touch. He finished the bottle of wine, hoping that drunkenness would muffle what he was feeling. It did dampen the feel of the air and his sheets against his skin but the memories only became clearer. Eventually Pellaz turned his anguished face into the pillows and could only wish for blissful sleep.

* * *

Pellaz dreamt. He dreamt of a large airy room with a solid ceiling and walls of billowing white drapes. He lay in a large soft bed and the air was warm around him. Cal was beside him, over him and all around him. Swallowing him with his arms folded around Pellaz like angel’s wings. Pellaz squirmed beneath Cal’s touch, arching his back and moaning as Cal whispered endearments and pressed Pellaz’s willing body into the soft white pillows.

“Moan for me, Pellaz,” Cal murmured and Pellaz obeyed. He spread his legs to let Cal rest between them and raised his head to kiss Cal’s lips, grabbing Cal’s face in his hands to pull the other har down to share breath.

Were they somewhere in Megalithica? Was this Saltrock? It didn’t matter. All that mattered was that Cal was kissing his, smiling into his mouth and letting sweet and intoxicating breath seep forth. It was Cal’s weight that pressed down on Pellaz and Cal’s fingers that slid between his legs.

“Pellaz… do you like that?” Cal asked and Pellaz was nodding and gasping, scrabbling to hold onto Cal’s shoulder, the sheet beneath him, blond hair. The touch Pellaz had missed so much was all around him. Surely Cal had grown extra hands?

Cal entered him in a piercing thrust and Pellaz arched off the bed, crying out. He thought he must explode – no single body could contain such feeling. Stars exploded behind Pellaz’s eyes and his body transformed into pulsating light – a thing solely focused on pleasure. Cal shifted over him and Pellaz managed to force his eyes open, unable to resist the pull to look at Cal. Violet eyes, dark and shining met his own and the sight pulled another moan deep from within Pellaz’s chest. They both panted and their breath combined in the small space between their faces.

Suddenly Pellaz was above Cal, leaning over as the blond beneath him urge him to move with strong hands on his hips. Pellaz rested his hands on Cal’s chest, smoothing over tanned skin which seemed to glow. He rocked his hips and Cal cried out.

“Pellaz… do that again…”

Pellaz complied and quickly, quickly they fell into a rhythm that banished all coherent thought. Pellaz no longer knew whether he was over Cal, or Cal was above him. All he knew was Cal inside him, sharing breath and then panting into Cal’s damp neck. Cal’s flesh became his flesh, and Pellaz felt every movement either of them made as a spark of pleasure shooting along his quivering limbs.

Finally that spot inside him was brushed by Cal and Pellaz’s word shattered. He threw his head back, limbs braced against Cal’s body. He screwed his eyes shut and howled—

* * *

Cal shot upright in bed, gasping. The lingering traces of pleasure still shot along his limbs and made his hands tingle. Light moans were escaping with his panting breaths and he realized he must have cried out in his sleep. He ran shaking hands through his hair then studied his trembling fingers.

“By Aru….”

His cold and empty room was silent but for his shallow breathing. It was dark and the walls were stone, though a second ago Cal could have sworn it was light, and they were made of floating curtains. He collapsed back on the cot he lay and realized with a grimace that the sheets around him were damp with the result of his vivid dream.

He swore softly to himself. He hadn’t had a wet dream since he was a human. Covering his face with a hand, Cal exhaled heavily. The room seemed colder than he remembered; the emptiness a little nearer.

The dream had felt so real.

The End


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