See Who I Am

Challenge SubmissionSee Who I Am
by Deathangelgw

Story Notes

Author email:

Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me. They all belong to Storm Constantine! No harm meant, only play!

Warnings: AU, sap, Caeru POV, some angst, some dark, some language, and the dreaded….songfic.

Characters/Pairings: Pell/Rue, hinted Cal/Pell/Rue etc

Spoilers: Books 1-5

Summary: Caeru struggles to recover. Can he allow Pell in and let his hope of being seen win?

Rating: PG-13

Beta: The ever patient MA!

A/N: Written for the Forever Monthly Fanfic Challenge. The song used is ‘See Who I Am’ by Within Temptation. Thanks for reading and feedback is appreciated!

/song lyrics/

See Who I Am

/ Is it true what they say
Are we too blind to find a way
Fear of the unknown
Cloud our hearts today/

I stare out the window and rest my head against the glass as I rest from having walked from my bed to the window seat. It’s a lovely day outside with that touch of summer. I can smell the scent of flowers and grass that wafts in with the warm breeze that’s blowing through the open window. Cuttingtide was a week ago, but the decorations are still up for those festivities. Of course I didn’t get to celebrate since I was in the healing ward after my attack….not that I really wanted to be there. For some reason, the thought of going to that particular ceremony turns my stomach and I realize that my hand is hovering over my scarred belly.

No, the death of one life to bring about another does not appeal to me at all.

I let my hand drop to my thigh and try to ignore how it’s trembling. I feel so weak ever since the attack. Weak and alone and it hurts so much. I can ignore the residual inner physical pain but not always. Sometimes, it’s a dull ache that is only a reminder of what should have been in there for a bit longer, growing. Other times, it’s a sharp pain, almost like I’m being ripped open again. The healers say that I shouldn’t be feeling this pain…that I’ve healed to the point where I can soon even attempt aruna.

I think they’re fucking crazy.

/ Come into my world
See through my eyes
Try to understand
Don’t wanna lose what we have/

Pell’s taken up avoiding me again ever since I was released. Guess I shouldn’t have expected any more. He had treated me like I was a plague after he’d gotten me with pearl…some thank you, huh? I give him what he wants and he drops me like a bad habit. Same with Cal. Though now I’ve heard the rumors that Cal has disappeared. So I guess….I can sorta understand Pell’s pain at the moment. He most likely feels abandoned…helpless…

I take it back. I know exactly how he feels.

My eyes close and I sigh as I place my hand on my scarred stomach again, acknowledging in a sense the ache that’s there. I feel the sorrow I normally try to ignore come up at what I’ve lost and feel a tear roll down my face. Yes, I hated what was done to me in Pell’s need to bring Thiede back or whatever it was. But it was still my pearl…my harling. Something of both Pell and Cal that I could hold onto on those cold nights when I was nothing more than an acknowledgment. I guess maybe that is why the pain can be so intense.

It’s the pain from the loss of not only my pearl but of my dreams.

/ We’ve been dreaming
For who can’t deny
It’s the best way of living
Between the truth and the lies/

The door opening and closing catches my attention and I look up and over. To my surprise, Pell is looking back at me, though his gaze is guarded. His eyes flick to where my hand is before back to my own gaze but I don’t look away. It is what it is. Why should I avoid the truth of it?

He comes over slowly to me and surprises me as he puts his hand over mine on my stomach. I watch him, feeling confused as he looks down at our hands. “Does it hurt?” he whispers suddenly in the tense air and he looks back up at me as I flinch a bit even though I try not to.

“Yes, but not always bad,” I admit softly and then wonder why I answered. He doesn’t care. He could never care. He has yet to show caring that doesn’t have any strings. But then again, don’t I have strings on my own caring?

All I want is to be loved. Is that a string?

Who knows.

/ See who I am
Break through the surface
Reach for my hand
And shout out that we can
Free your mind and find a way
The world is in our hands
This is not the end/

“The healers told me that you’ve healed mostly,” Pell says almost conversationally and I wonder on it. I note then that he’s caressing my hand and the warmth spreads into my cold fingers. I look down and see that the trembling has slowed down to being almost imperceptible and I glance up at him to see him watching me.

But I don’t know what to say. How do I say that they’re wrong…that I’ll never feel healed no matter what they say? I can’t find the words…I don’t want him to leave me. So I look down, away, and stare out the window again. It’s quiet for a bit and I kinda almost hope he decides to leave because having him so near yet not really caring is just as painful as my injuries. He doesn’t though and I almost jump when he squeezes my hand and sits down on the window seat with me. I look up at him, surprised by this move, and allow him to move my feet onto his lap. It’s such a tender and homey gesture that I’m stunned by it and don’t react really. What does he want?

I must ask that aloud because he looks at me and smiles, but it’s tinged with sadness. “I want to help you Caeru. We…don’t have to be alone,” he says quietly and I’m stunned silent again.

/Fear is withering the soul
At the point of no return
We must be the change we wish to see

I’ll come into your world
See through your eyes
I’ll try to understand
Before we lose what we have/

My eyes stray to outside again and I can hear him shifting and watch him do the same out of the corner of my eye. We’re silent as the wind blows in gently, carrying the smells of summer and the sounds of people in the distance. I can’t help but allow myself to relax because it’s so real….so safe. I want to cling to this kindness and warmth, but a large part of me is so wary it aches in time to my wound.

Yet even that is dulling the longer we are together and I think I get it. We do need each other…more so than either of us could ever know. I find myself being lulled by the gentle caresses on my legs and I rest my head on the window again, this time in relaxation. My eyes close as the sun warms me and I can feel my lips tilting just a little in a smile. I can’t help feeling that my body knows what I need more than my mind and it amuses my sleepy self.

I’m woken again later as I’m lifted and carried someplace and I let my head rest against Pell’s chest. I know it’s him because of his smell and I relax even more. I might hate him half the time, but I still long for him the rest of the time.

/We just can’t stop believing
Because we have to try
We can rise above the truth and the lies

Hear the silence
Reach out my blame
Will our strength remain?
If the power rise/

I wince as we sit down on something, but he cradles me close, whispering softly to me, soothing. I crack my eyes open as I feel the sun on us and see that we’re on the divan that is situated on the balcony. I was going to go there, but my strength had left me by the time I’d made it to the window seat. I relax fully against Pell’s body and sigh as he rubs my back. It’s such an unfamiliar feeling to be so comforted, but it calms me and soothes away the pain that seems a constant in my life.

I tilt my head back and open my eyes to gaze up at him as my head comes to rest on his shoulder his head leans in to press a kiss to my lips. I feel so relaxed that I go with it and open my mouth, breath floating out a bit to touch his. I’m a little surprised when he responds and we share breath.

/See who I am
Break through the surface
Reach for my hand
And shout out that we can
Free your mind and find a way
The world is in our hands

This is not the end/

His touch to my soul is gentle and inquiring yet filled with the essence that is Pell and I open up to him. He absorbs from me my pain and what happened that night and I can feel my grief welling up again as I relive that night and the ripping of our pearl from my body.

But he soothes it down with gentle puffs of breath filled with warmth and compassion and his arms tighten around me, relaxing me. Our exchange ends after a bit and I open my eyes again to look up at him with a smile. He smiles back and I know then that we can move on and heal. And with that affirmation in both our hearts, I close my eyes and rest against him, letting my body heal.

This is not the end.




  1. Crubo Carver said,

    April 7, 2009 at 12:47 pm

    I have always felt such pity for Rue after this terrible event, it’s fascinating to explore his thoughts and feelings this way. It’s true, though, how difficult it is for both Pell and Caeru to find a way back together. I like how simple things make the difference – an embrace, a smile accomplishing more than words.

  2. July 8, 2009 at 6:48 pm

    […] “See Who I Am” by Deathangelgw […]

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